Grief, Anonymity, and Memes on Reddit: Digital World as a Cultural Resource for "Work of Death"
The Post
Peachizncream posted to OffMyChest approximately one year ago under the title, “My husband died today.”
Peachizncream's post consists of the following text:
My husband died today. He was 37. He had a seizure, which led his third heart attack. He had just started a new job, so there is no life insurance. We have three kids under 6, with the youngest about to be 6 months old. I am a stay-at-home mom. I feel so lost right now, but I have to be strong for my kids.
Receiving 1,358 points and 182 comments, the post resounded within the community dedicated to expressing one’s innermost feelings. Typical of posts within this subreddit, peachizncream's text appears specifically to seek solace in the platform's anonymity. The subreddit's self-description claims to be "the place to unload that baggage that's been weighing down on you," and peachizncream's obligation to remain "strong" for her children in the face of profound loss leaves her without an avenue to grieve in "real life." Anonymity provides a field of communication in which she feels she can express her emotions and elicit consoling responses from other anonymous Redditors in a meaningful way. Reddit, particularly OffMyChest, empowers her by giving her a space to "unload that baggage" without linking that vulnerable action to her identity.
True to all of this project's case studies, the comments section provides the bulk of the participation for analysis.
The Comments
User space_casey heads the comments section with a response that typifies support for grievers within communities that foster meaninful discussions on personally sensitive subjects. S/he expresses sorrow for the bereaved, "My gosh, I'm so sorry for your loss," and proceeds to offer help "in any way I can." Telling of space_casey's faith in the OffMyChest community, s/he claims, "I'm sure others will do the same." Despite acknowledging the unconventional nature involved in seeking and accepting solace from "an internet stranger," space_casey proceeds to console peachizncream with sympathetic language. S/he truly believes the anonymous community serves to create an, albeit "odd," space for grief and support on the Internet.
The next best comment, according to the OffMyChest community, comes from Jiuholar. Despite Jiuholar's personal identification as "just a kid," s/he offers peachizncream sound advice, calling on her to take time and care for herself. S/he says, "...just let the grief take you. Let it wash over you, let yourself experience it. Do what you have to do, cry, scream, break things - so long as you do not harm yourself." S/he proceeds to warn peachizncream, through the use of an anecdote, of the ramifications of grieving in front of her children.
Peachizncream responds by explaining she doesn't "think it is a good idea for me to be overcome with grief in front of my children," reaffirming Jiuholar's advice. Again, she expresses an inability to act out her grief publicly, quarantining herself to "our office," out of sight from her children.
The following comments (right) are included here to display the common narrative in this kind of post. Like the comments above, they express sorrow for peachizncream's position, claim to hold her in their thoughts, provide external resources for help, and offer to hold a personal conversation in a private space through the PM feature.
Given the fact that these comments were upvoted by the community, one infers that OffMyChest endorses this reaction to grieving. There are, however, exceptions to these constructive conversations. Given the anonymous factor of the medium, facetiousness and other "trolling" behavior exists in discourse surrounding grieving in a relatively popular subreddit (184,783 subscribers). One need only to scroll to the bottom of the comments section, the downvoted comments' final resting place, to witness the darker side of the community.
Below is a thread of replies spurred by a "[deleted]" comment. Given the context, one assumes that user GeoSzef posted the original comment, which s/he, or more likely a moderator of the subreddit, subsequently deleted.
Trent1317 replies to the deleted comment, "Wrong place, wrong time. Making jokes like that is tasteless and heartless," to which GeoSzef responds, "It's 2am. I have no life or remorse. I bid ye a fair morrow." This dialogue exists between members of OffMyChest with two very different conceptions regarding the community's purpose. Trent1317 chastizes GeoSzef, pleading the user to "Have a little compassion. Try putting yourself in her shoes," to which GeoSzef responds, "I love all this attention. OP [original poster - peachizncream] & I have similar interests." This last comment reveals GeoSzef's position on grieving through Reddit. S/he believes peachizncream merely seeks attention by appealing to the emotions of Redditors. The downvotes GeoSzef accrues in this exchange strengthens the community's identification as a supportive space for grievers with little-to-no tolerance for misplaced humor. The thread continues:
Again, GeoSzef expresses the opinion that seeking votes and "Internet points" is a superficial way of grieving. S/he trolls the comment thread, "More downvotes, please. It's the only thing that helps with the pain of a dead husband." User aww_yiss_coffee_cake responds, "Holy shit you are a monster. You are a terrible person and I hope karma bites you in the ass and a bunch of other places."
Another "[deleted]" comment appears at the bottom. Looking through the child comments, it's made known that the original comment consisted of Nelson, a character from The Simpsons, mockingly laughing at peachizncream: "Ha-ha". Here's the response:
"You insenstive dick," "Rude ass," and "There are not enough downvotes in the world for this. Some day I hope someone comes along and kicks you when you're down, and when they do I want you to know it's because you deserve it," are all of a similar flavor of response to misplaced humor within a grieving context in this community. Profanity and the use of downvotes works (or doesn't) to punish the "trolls" who subvert OffMyChest's rules and guidelines. User duckaducka expects distasteful comments on Reddit, "I'm pretty sure that is just how reddit is, honestly. Since when (besides this subreddit) are people sensitive to others needs? Chist, the other day some celebrity's wonky fucked up foot was on the top page. How caring."
Clearly, different views regarding Reddit's place in the grieving process exist on the site. OffMyChest self-identifies as a "safe space," a place where Redditors in distress can voice their concerns to an audience of welcoming community members. Upvoting supportive comments, downvoting those of a more sardonic nature, and expressing verbal disapproval of the latter helps define this particular subreddit's common grief narrative. Constructive members of the OffMyChest community provide genuine solace, while the "trolls" tend to view it as yet another place to engage in shallow interactions and dismiss the work of death that such a community provides for the bereaved.
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